If you really knew me…

21 Jul

Did anyone else watch the new show on MTV last night, where the people try to make everyone realize they aren’t alone in their struggles? I recorded it and can’t wait to watch it I heard it was inspirational. So in honor of If You Really Knew Me, I’m going to list things about me that you would know if you really knew me
-If you really knew me you would know my mom is my best friend in the whole entire universe.
-If you really knew me you’d know that I feel gluttonous when I get the right amount of calories in me for the day, I am ashamed
-If you really knew me you’d know that I love my dad, but I can’t stand being around him, I have no idea who’ll walk me down the aisle.
-If you really knew me you’d know that I lived off of fruit and broccoli for 4 months, without knowing I was anorexic.
-If you really knew me you’d know that my toenails came off when I was playing soccer, I am utterly embarassed of them.
-If you really knew me you’d know that I really hate running sometimes, but I’m “incredible” at it.
-If you really knew me you’d know I’ve always felt like an outsider, because I’m ALWAYS the youngest person in my group of friends, because I have the mind of an adult.
-If you really knew me you’d know I love my aunt more than my dad..
-If you really knew me you’d know I have a terrible habit of biting my fingernails
-If you really knew me you’d know I have always dreamt of becoming a Victoria’s Secret angel.
-If you really knew me you’d know my first concert was Hilary Duff.
-If you rwally knew me you’d know I get completely nervous around people older than me, and I freeze up.
-If you really knew me you’d know I have a growing fear of public speaking.
-If you really knew me you’d know that any imperfection I find on myself ruins my whole day. I feel out of control.
-If you really knew me you’d know I google way too much for my own good.
-If you really knew me you’d know I have an addiction to the off brand of splenda.
-If you really knew me you’d know I sleep with a night light because I’m scared of someone under my bed grabbing me.
-If you really knew me you’d know I hate american cheese,bananas, doughnuts, and pizza.
-If you really knew me you’d know I read blogs everday, but I don’t post, and I don’t know why.
-If you really knew me you’d know I don’t wear makeup except for special occasions, even then its just mascara and powder.
-If you really knew me you’d know I hate reading books. HATE IT.
-If you really knew me you’d know that when someone prank calls me, or hugs me, or anything that shows they thought about me, it makes my whole week, and gives me confidence. This makes me feel pathetic that someone thinking about me can make me overly happy..
-If you really knew me you’d know I was in a four year relationship, and nearly lost my virginity. But I caught myself.
-If you really knew me you’d know I have locked my real self up inside me somewhere and I don’t know how to get her out.
If I really knew you what would I know?

Formspring me c:

14 Jul

I know i know, i haven’t blogged in a while, BUT i’m not done forever.. pinky promise. Meanwhile, You should formspring me! I love questions:)
Pick-chas on next post

Just a survey.. or 2

25 Jun

CAUTIONPlease don’t read if you have/had ED& think you’ll be triggered by this, Love Marlee.

1. What physical features do you love about yourself?
My green eyes, my young skin, and my abs

2. How do you personally take care of yourself?
Morsturizer everyday!! And I like to relax with a bubble bath:)

3. What are you looking forward to?
Going to Branson, going back to Cali, Whole Foods being built, my 14th birthday.

4. Who has aided your recovery the most?
Hmm, this is a tough one, my mother trys to help, but I feel like she doesn’t always know what to do, my therapist also aides my recovery VERY well, but I’d have to say God has aided it the most.

At camp I felt a change in me that only God could create, so he helped my through my plateau.

5. What was the last thing you ate?
Raisin Bran and almond milk, momma said it’d calm my tum:)

6. What is one material thing you are dying to have right now?
Ummm, very tough. Insanity maybe. Haha

7. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?
Rome, Paris, Spain, or Australia.

8. What is/was your biggest fear food and how will you/did you conquer it?
Oil, or anything deep-fried. I’ve conquered both, just by eating them, but honestly I don’t think deep-fried is something i’m going to continue to eat, it doesn’t make me feel good. Olive oil is the oil I’ve conquered thus far.

9. What are your dreams for after ED?
Well my dreams when I grow up are to become a pharmacist, have coffe dates, be a ” busy body”, have a planner and “write people in” for dates,like on the movies:)

10. What advice would you give to someone concerning eating disorders?
The pain is only temporary, it will get harder before it gets easier, you do not have to be labeled an “anorexic”, ED does not have to control the person you are, and you CAN still be accepted even though you suffer anorexia.

Survey#2 You still awake?LOL

1. Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
All doors closed I feel safe that way
2. Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
Well I don’t I dont know if my mom does?

3. Do you sleep with your sheets tucked in or out?
I hate sheets, I don’t sleep with any and I can’t remember the last time I did.

4. Would you rather be attacked by a bear or a swarm of bees?
How about a swarm of cuddly bunnies? Haha probably the bear, I could probably outrun him.

5. Do you have freckles?

6. What is your biggest pet peeve?I hate when people get mad at other people for doing something, then they go and do the same thing. Such hypocrits:P
7. Have you ever peed in the woods?

8. Do you ever dance if there’s no music playing?
Most likely, sub-consciously, or when I have to tinkle

9. Do you chew your pens and pencils?
Yes i do.

10. Is it ok for guys to wear pink?
I couldn’t care less.

11. What do you dip a chicken nugget in?
I don’t eat chicken nuggets anymore, but I loved BBQ sauce and ketchup, lotsa ketchup.

12. What is your favorite food?
GRRR, this question is soooooo difficult. Honestly, fruit, and PB&co;s peanut butters.
13. What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
Hitch, 13 going on 30, Julie and Julia, Devil wears Prada,anything with Meryl Streep, or Will Ferrel.

14. Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
Yes, for like a week AHA

15. Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
Never, I will share myself with my one and only, in the future.

16. Can you change the oil on a car?
No. I dont like fixing cars, but i’d love to drive them:)

17. Ever gotten a speeding ticket?

18. Ever ran out of gas?

19. Are you lazy?
Sometimes I have lazy days, but i am not LAZY.
20. When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
A hersheys kiss, a pumpkin, witch, geisha, racecar driver, princess.

21. How many languages can you speak?
Just one, excluding pig latin, dog and cat. You know.
22. Who is better…Leno or Letterman?
I don’t watch them, but Leno LOOKS funnnier, haha that was mean :P

23. Do you sing in the car?

24. Ever eat a pierogi?
Haaaaa, no. What is that by the way?

25. First concert?
Oh my gawsh, Hilary Duff in 4th grade hahah.

26. Where would you be able to spend hours and be happy?
Anywhere with my youth group:hiking, kids camp,helping old ladies;)

27. What’s your favorite kind of doughnut?
I hate doughnuts, And i promise this isn’t an ED thought, I never liked them. Blegh.

28. Do you have any tattoos or piercings?
Just pierced ears.

29. Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone?
The mom of the kids I babysit.
30. Are you still friends with the people you knew in middle school or high school?
I’m BARELY in High school, lol so yes.

31. What did you want to be when you grew up?
Artist/singer/dentist ahahahah

32 Name three things that are close to you:
My lovely doggy,my body pillow my wall:)

33. What was your best subject in school?

34. What is your favorite restaurant?
Oh goodness, The Secret Spot in Cali.
All vegan, so delicious, freshly made.
35. Any hidden talents?
I have the flexibility of a rubber band xD
36. What is your favorite girl’s name?
I thought it was Adyson, but now i’m thinking Madyson.

37. Would you rather be a rock star or a famous athlete?
I think I would say athlete, no chance of peer pressure for drugs and alcohol.

38. What are you wearing right now?
orange shirt, easter shorts, from the same store. Aero.

39. Did you graduate from college?
I will

40. Do you have any nicknames?
Moo,Bobby(from Bob Marley), and Mar
41. How do YOU de-stress?
Go for a walk, listen to lovely tunes, rest, pilates, yoga.

42. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve gone without food?
I do not know.

43. Have you ever been in a situation or have had something happen to you that you thought was too good to be true but actually turned out TO be true?
Hmmm, one Christmas, my dad and his wife took me, Izzy, &Brittany to Bass Pro Shop and said we were looking for a Christmas present for Uncle Mike, and when we got there there was a limo, My dad said”let’s go check it out” and when we looked inside the was a tv and beautiful color changing lights, turns out that was OUR limo. :)

44. If you were on death row and your final meal was being delivered to you before you die, what would it include?

Breakfast- Those strawberry banana pancakes with honey,and a side of grapes, apples, oranges and pineapples from Secret Spot.

Lunch- Some sort of grilled chicken salad with lots of fruits and vegetable with vibrant colors and a colorful vinagrette.
Dinner-cooked carrots, corn on the cob,well-done pork chops,baked sweet potato, witha nut butter and brown sugar
Dessert- Mini versions of my favorites so I could enjoy bites of each: dark chocolate fondue with fruit, Mimi’s apple pie, melted nut butter al a mode:)
Hahaha, what did you think?

Finding balance

23 Jun

OK, I am scared. I feel like I’ve ignored the fact that I might have to be uncomfortable to recover. I’ve actually been thinking about that alot lately, “It’s gonna get worse before it get’s better”Is that true? Because the thought of not having my athletic body, well it scares me. Alot. Does anyone feel the same? Did anyone have to go through a period where they were lost, and felt like they were staring recovery in the eyes but in order to grasp recovery you had to do something that you just REALLY did not want to? Now, I don’t mean not knowing the calorie counts and still eating the meal, which by the way I DID eat brownies last night, more on that later, but I mean like having the feeling that you can’t have the body you want in order to recover? These thoughts aren’t consuming me, like ED did, actually I’ve felt ED fade more and more but it’s still there, i know, because I still have body image issues, but every time I read about some one that is recovered I think Why is that not me? Why can I not have that same experience? Why can’t I find balance? If any of my readers have any advice please tell me because I want to CRUSH ED forever.
On a better note, I did go to Kid’s Camp with Matt and the youth group to listen to Matt(youth pastor) speak, and just to chill. The drive was an hour away in Anadarko, and we left at two. I knew we’d be out til 9 or 10 and there were no safe foods at camp, but I still went. And when I got there I was SO GLAD I went. There was so much to do, there was a tarzan rope, a moon bounce- your strapped on a bungee cord and you jump on this trampoline and fly up in the air and do flips and things, there was a pool, hot tub, rock climb,archery, lets just say I could’ve lived there. Blake, Joe,Ashley,Candice,Will,Matt,Morgan and me were there(I might be crushing on the one in italics(:) and all of them are AT LEAST 1 year older than me, most of them are 2 years older than me and I didn’t feel out of place, theyaccpted me. Two years might not seem like alot but Freshmen and Juniors, it just seems like alot to me. At 5:45 we went to eat dinner because no one wanted camp food. First of all dinner at 5:45 wouldn’t have happened at my house but I did it, and felt fine. Secondly, they picked Mazzios, and for those of you who don’t know what that is it’s a buffet pizza place, there are two things wrong with this, first of all buffet ED and buffets don’t mix well, but they did tonight. Also I don’t like pizza, I didn’t pre-ED and I don’t now. I do like brownies though, and so brownies made their way onto my plate, alot of them actually, and I did not feel bad:) Now, I didn’t eat pizza, I ate salad. So overall I’m very proud of myself, which is a relief, I thought I’d wake up with remorse,regret,a bigger waist, low self esteem,low self confidence,lack of energy, NO none of it:) I WOULD’VE had picture if I wouldn’t have dropped my camera, ahhhhh shucks. Oh well. PS does anyone know how to change the color of the “My life as Marlee” thing at the top of my blog, it kindof blends in with my back ground, Thanks! Bye lovlies.

Happy (late) Father’s day– to those of you with honorable fathers.

22 Jun

Hola seniors and senioritas! I hope you all had a wonderful Father’s day. Let’s start with some pictures of the party
“big” Jim and Maurine (my “step-dad kinda’s” parents)
My mother and Grandma:)
All three of us beautiful ladies.
Just me and mom
The grandpa’s socializing
The step-dad kinda that i celebrated for
We sipped some sugah-free tea
and The meal was supposed to be steak, macaroni salad, corn on the cob, and garlic toast. But I didn’t really want steak or macaroni salad I wanted some chocolate, and I have got to honor my cravings, so I had some sweet corn with BBQ seasoning
I also had a cookies and cream Builders Bar and some of these
I got these at the Health Food Store, they are Ahhhhmazing, they’re just dark chocolate, almonds, and sesame seeds:D But everyone else exceot Morgan enjoyed their dinner, she was at the movies on a date, that she swears wasn’t a date. HAHAAAA me and jake found some pink chalk and wrote “I♥ KALE! xoxo,Morgan”. It was a joke! Promise. So before all this happened me and my madre ran to the health food center, and bought:
can’t wait to try!!!
tastes a bit like pasta sauce, but i DID forget to stir.
BITTER at first, I added some stevia, and all was good.
SO GOOD, and no flour?Bravo.
A papaya:D
for HEAB’s protein ice cream!
sounded yummy i heart coconut.
As seen on Hungry Girl.
NEW obsession:)
And here’s some pictures of baby-Marlee:) RANDOM I KNOW.

I realized…

20 Jun

Howdy! First off I know this is gonna sound crazy, but I just realized that I am the only one that expects perfection from myself. In fact others are turned off by my sub-conscious attempts to achieve perfection. I feel almost like anorexia has taken all my common sense and memories away, so it’s kind of like my chance to re-wire, for lack of a better word, my brain. So I’ll start by telling myself I love my body everyday. Me in the acton:

And also, when I’m bored, ED trained me to look up the latest way to lose weight, or the newest health craze, but I realized normal teens don’t do that, they go outside, they run,jump,play, watch funny youtube videos, call friends, that is going to be me again. Speaking of friends GUESS WHAT? I got invited to a party! What kind of party? You might ask, no no not a BAD party, it was for the Lakers vs. Celtics game/swim party, it was with all my church friends, who are all like 16! I felt happy and outgoing and wanted. I put myself out there, had faith, and got invited to a party. I gotta keep this up:) No pictures I forgot my camera, lol. But we played hide and seek in the dark, and we swam, in Blake’s (the guy throwing the party) SALTWATER POOL. I think saltwater pools are extremely cool, it doesn’t hurt to open your eyes! I also went to a Redhawks baseball game with my church friends. Which I DO have pictures for:D
Chuggin som H2O.
from left:Kale,Me,Morgan
I had a VERY good time, so glad I went. Sorry for no pictures of the eats, I accidentally dropped my camera for the first time, and the screens white, GREAT. Let’s just say I’ve had my fill on Dark Choc. Dreams, Cranbran Vitas, apples, organic canned chicken, salad, and smoothies. Plus I might be going to a new Health food store today, are there any must haves for you guys when you go to the store? Anything I should look into buying?

Something quick that makes me laugh

15 Jun

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